Douchebags


We all know at least one.  A douchebag.  Someone who sucks at life, yet seems to survive. And survive well.  I work with one.  He glides in whenever he fells like it.  Sometimes even sitting in his car on his cell phone ( after he is already late).  He is also is a load cell phone talker, as when he walks around the office ON his cell phone presumably trying to sound important.

He is the type of person who has done EVERYTHING. We actually have a list of things he has claimed to done.  From land owner to EMT.  This guy has done it all. HE EVEN CLAIMS TO HAVE INVENTED THE MICROWAVE.  No shit.

In meetings, his only contribution is what he has DONE.  Never what he can do or will do.  Never what he can help with.  It’s always some anecdotal story about something he did years ago that has some feint relation to what is being discussed.  His usual method of coming off as a big wig goes like this:

“People want flying cars.  If we made flying cars, we would make tons of money”

He then looks at the other departments and asks “so when can you have this done?” Having said this, if someone else ANYWHERE in the world accomplishes this, AT ANY TIME, he takes credit for it.  I suspect this is how the microwave claim came to life.  If the company were to actually do it, after contributing nothing to the project, he would take credit for it as well.

He also Googles himself from time to time.

The truth is, he really is ignorant of everything he claims to be a master of.  This is to my advantage, because being the smart ass I am, I tell him things using fake tech inspired non sensical words, that he inevitably repeats to someone and makes a fool of himself.

He has the uncanny ability to create more work for others. People who care about the company have to pick up his slack, fix his mistakes, and deal with the people who hate him.

There are A LOT of those.

Most of us at the office believe he has incriminating photos of the owners, because they wont fire him.

He also wears cowboy boots.  And I am fairly sure he wears a rug.

Do you work with a douchebag? Are there more?

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One thought on “Douchebags

  1. J. Kennedy says:

    There will always be at least one. In my world, it’s usually a political appointee that literally does nothing but sit on their ass all day doing nothing. Then when there is a meeting, he/she (most likely a he) will do everything they can to not do work whilst name dropping that special someone who got them there. At those times, I kindly invite them to the roof for a lil one on one. When folks talk about State employees and what they don’t do for their money, insert that fuckers name/picture and let it rip.

    And that’s just the ‘at work’ douches.

    Enjoyed it.

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